Family
Families come in many shapes and sizes. Who do you include when you talk about "your family"?
In Hawaii we are made up of lots of different kinds of families. Your family might be the family you were born into or the family you have been adopted into, or even close friends' and their families are often considered an extended part of that circle. Parents or guardians may also offer an awesome and diverse dynamic to your family unit, such as having two dads or two moms, guardian grandparents or guardian uncles and aunties.
Families may also be huge to include blood relatives, distant relatives, and relatives that have been hanai'd into that circle, or be very small to include you, your parents and one or two siblings and...that's it.
The possibilities are endless when it comes to defining "family", but there is one thing all families have in common and that is...they provide a sense of belonging. Families are supposed to give identity and provide support and security.
Your family is made up of the people you care about and the people who care about you.
PARENTAL RELATIONSHIPS
As a teenager going through puberty, you face many cognitive and developmental changes that in turn affect your relationships with others including your family. It is normal for a teen to want more independence and emotional distance from their parents because they often shift their focus to social interactions, friendships and sexual/romantic relationships. Relationships with parents change as teens turn more to their peers for advice, realizing their parents don’t have all the answers or solutions to all problems. Some teen rebellion and an increase in disagreements with parents is normal!
Nevertheless, you follow your parents’ footsteps in many ways. You may adopt their hobbies, like the same sports teams as them, want to be what they are when you grow up, and more. They are likely to influence you more than anyone else you’ll ever meet. 82% of boys and 76% of girls said they valued their parents' opinions over their friends' when it came to serious decisions (ACT for Youth). That is why a close relationship and open communication are of the utmost importance to have with your parents.
Tips to build a healthy, closer, stronger relationship with your parents to better get along with them:
Spend time together. Even if you live in the same house, you may not take the time to enjoy each other’s company. Ask your parents to go outside together, play a board game, or watch a movie together. If your parents are divorced or not living together, video chat or talk on the phone during the time you’re not with them in order to stay in touch.
Share your feelings and ask for help. When you’re upset you may want your parents’ help. But, your parents may not know you are dealing with a problem. So it’s important to tell a parent if you’re sad or struggling. See below to see tips on opening up to your parents and how to talk to them.
Be kind. Your parents do so much, and can often be stressed out. Be kind to them, and show it by offering to fold the laundry or clean your room without being asked. Try not to fight with your siblings, either. You can also brighten up your mom or dad’s day by giving them extra hugs, a card, or telling them a joke!
Show you care. Whether you’re a very affectionate family who gives lots of hugs, kisses, and says “I love you” a lot, or another family who isn’t as lovey-dovey, it’s important to show you care for your parents. Other non lovey-dovey ways of showing you care can be being polite, respectful, thoughtful, and kind.
Do your best at whatever you do. By doing your best at whatever you do, you make your parents so proud. This makes them happy because it shows that not only their child is thriving, but that they are doing a good job as a parent as well.
Tips on how to talk to your parents and have better communication:
Recognize they are there to help and that they care about you. Talking to your parents about challenges can be difficult and scary, but they were teenagers once too and probably had similar challenges. Discussing these matters can strengthen your relationship and build mutual trust.
Try not to get defensive. If your parents ask you when you’ll be home or who’s driving you, don’t assume the worst. Don’t automatically believe they think you are sneaking around or that you and your friends are irresponsible. They just care for your well-being and answering these questions will put them at ease and will make it easier for them to give you more freedom.
Ease into conversations. If you don’t feel super comfortable talking to your parents, have conversations with them about little things everyday. This will help to cultivate an open line of communication and will make it much easier for you to talk to them about a big issue when one comes up.
Listen to your parents and ask them to listen to you, too. Most parents will want to openly talk to you but may have strong opinions and beliefs that may affect what they say and how they say it. They can struggle with this, and may be just as anxious as you.
Know exactly how you feel first, and then let your parents know this. It is important to communicate honestly. Don’t keep your emotions from your parents. If you are feeling embarrassed, scared of judgment, or worried about a conversation, let your parents know of these feelings before talking to them about the topic. By including your initial feelings, they will likely better understand your perspective and will want to listen to what you have to say. For example, you could start by saying, “I feel embarrassed about what I’m going to tell you, but I need your advice.”
Be confident, clear, specific, and direct. When you are straightforward, your parents will be more likely to listen and understand. Get to the point of what you’re trying to say instead of beating around the bush. For example, don't say, "I hate French. The teacher's a jerk, and everyone is flunking," if what you're really trying to say is, "I know this will upset you, but I got my French grade today, and it's terrible." Also, make sure you say everything you want to as well, as you don’t want to walk away from a conversation having left out an important point or concern.
Give your parents time to think. It is not always fair to expect an immediate answer. If you are asking for something, ask them in advance so they have time to think it over. This also shows the respect you have for them and shows that you believe the issue at hand is important and deserves their prolonged attention.
Find a good time to talk. Our parents can be very busy. Just because they can’t talk at a certain time doesn’t mean they don’t want to and are not interested. They often want to find a time where they can give you their full, undivided attention that you deserve. Ask them to then suggest a time that’s better for both of you.
Introduce your parents to things that you enjoy. By talking to your parents about your new favorite hobbies, music, TV shows, games, etc., it shows that you are interested in developing a bond with them and will make harder conversations easier. It is also refreshing for them to learn from you.
Talk to another trusted adult or consider talking to a family therapist or counselor. If you try talking to your parents and it doesn’t work out, talk to another trusted adult like an aunt, uncle, grandparent, teacher or health care provider. If you want to have better mutual communication with your parents, you may want to see a family therapist or counselor to try and improve your struggles.
Sources:
Stanford Children’s Health “Relationship Development”: https://www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=relationship-development-90-P01642#:~:text=Family%20relationships%20are%20often%20reorganized,boy%2Fgirl%20groups%20of%20friends.
ACT For Youth “Youth Statistics: Family Structure and Relationships” http://actforyouth.net/adolescence/demographics/family.cfm
TheHopeLine “How To Get Along With Your Parents” https://www.thehopeline.com/how-to-get-along-with-parents-2/
Center for Young Women’s Health “How to Talk to Your Parents” https://youngwomenshealth.org/2014/09/16/how-to-talk-to-your-parents/
SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS
Your family not only includes your parents, but also your siblings. Your siblings can grow to become your very best and closest friends and often are a very integral part of the way you grow up. However, that is of course not without pushing each other's buttons and annoying each other every day. Nevertheless, it is important to nurture and care for your relationships with your siblings because they will always be your family and should be the ones there for you no matter what.
5 tips to strengthen your relationship with your siblings:
Communicate, don’t confront. Instead of confronting your sibling about a problem with anger or aggression, gently communicate with them instead. Just because you may not have the typical actions of unwavering courtesy and politeness with them as you do with strangers or non family members, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t treat them without respect. Start communicating with your siblings like you do with others: with humility and kindness.
Respect their boundaries. If you want them to respect your belongings, space, time and opinions, you have to respect theirs. Don’t take their shirt without asking if you don’t want them to do that with you. Also respect their interests and opinions, which will help you to communicate. If you willingly respect them and extend generosity, they will be far more likely to give the same back to you.
Be inclusive. Your siblings will become your best friends, and your childhood memories will stick with you forever. So, even though you do not have to do everything with them, you should have an attitude of inclusion and make an effort to hang out with them regularly.
Give compliments. You see your family and your siblings’ flaws every single day. So, when it is already our natural inclination to focus on the flaws, it is harder for us to consider their talent, skills, and strengths. However, it is so important to take note of their good qualities and reach out with kindness and give compliments in order to improve your relationship into a positive, not negative one. This way, the love and respect will grow between you and your mutual attitudes towards each other will improve.
Treat them like a friend. Doing all of the above will help you transform your sibling relationship into a friendship. Show love and respect. Include them in your next outing. Communicate calmly and don’t angrily yell or argue. These habits will continue with you for the rest of your life and can even influence your other future relationships in the most positive way.
Source: Project Inspired “5 Ways to Strengthen Your Relationship With Your Siblings”
Below are some helpful links to get some ideas of what you can do with your ohana!
